How long has it been since I’ve typed here? Months.
Gabriel and I got married. My handsome, funny, warm, loving, wonderful best friend of a favourite person and I stood up in front of our family and a few friends, on a sunny day (June 11th, 2011) under my parents’ plum tree, and grinned at each other, and said yes. I love him so much. More with every day. I can’t believe I got so lucky. He is more thoughtful, more considerate. more hilarious and easygoing and generous, more interesting and passionate with every passing day. I’m so excited we get to spend the rest of our lives together.
…assuming they ever start! The immigration process is taking longer than we’d anticipated/hoped. We did have the option of Gabriel moving here right away and applying for permanent residency from within Canada, but those applications can take even longer, and he wouldn’t be able to work during that time. Fine, we thought, he can at least use the time to go to school (he’s wanting to start fresh on a career, maybe…something new). But he’d still count as an International student, meaning tuition would be exorbitant (roughly 3X the cost for a Canadian) and not affordable to us. So, we decided we would get married, and he would return to Seattle, and we would keep spending our weekends together until his PR application is approved.
Which, after our wedding, 2 days with family, and an unforgettable 3-day mini-moon at Point-No-Point, we did.
…But we hadn’t counted on the goodbyes being so much harder, and our time apart feeling that much more unnatural. I know it sounds silly, as marriage is just paperwork, but…it isn’t. Something is different. Now that we’ve married each other, it seems like we’re each a little homeless without the other. We’re looking at as long as another year of this, and I’m sad. But it is entirely beyond our control, and we are doing our best to stay positive, enjoy our weekends with lots of fun and movies and sex and restaurants and outdoor goodness. I just hope he can come home soon, to stay.
What else is new….well, yesterday was my last appointment ever with my beloved trainer, Tanya. She and her husband moved into a new house about 40 minutes north, and her studio will be in their home now. It makes the most sense for her, by far – the travel time, gas cost and overhead was no longer feasible. But for me, adding a 40 minute drive each way to my two weekly workout sessions was impossible, no matter how great a deal she offered me. I’m so, so sad to be parting ways with her. She and I have been working together for 2.5 years or so, and I can’t really express how much she means to me. She is among the most mature, wise, dorky, loving, honest, real people I’ve ever known. She knows me so, so well.
It was her, who, when I had been working out with her for close to two years, and was losing weight so very slowly (30 lbs over two years), and I was lamenting that slowness, and swearing that I had no idea why, and then talking in the same breath about how sometimes….(and here’s where we get personal) I just couldn’t. stop. eating. Stuffing myself with food, overeating the point of pain and lethargy and occasional vomiting (and sometimes on purpose, too, though I didn’t talk about that at all for a long time) lightly, casually, offhandedly mentioned Overeaters Anonymous, then backed off and left me alone.
That bug sat in my ear for a few months, and eventually, I took a deep breath and thought “oh, fuck. Here we go.” and went to my first meeting, where I met a room full of weirdos, in a cult-like setting (there is a lot of hand-holding and prayer and recitation and repetition and some hugging) and it freaked my ass right out. But when the weirdos opened their mouths to talk about their lives, their addiction and their recovery…well, they sounded like me. I guess I didn’t escape the addiction in the family after all – it’s just harder to recognize in burger-form than in syringe or vodka or cigarette or blahblahgamblesexdrug.
I’ve been going to 2-3 meetings a week for over 7 months now, and the relief I feel in JUST BEING HONEST about this terrible, heavy (ha) secret I have been carrying for years is immeasureable. I am coming to understand myself and my life so much more than ever before. I am getting to be nicer, and gentler, and good things are happening. I’m also 48 lbs lighter than I was in January. And I’m loving myself, and taking care of myself. And Gabriel could not be more supportive. He even came to one of my first meetings with me. He is my biggest cheerleader and makes it clear to me how proud he is. I couldn’t be doing this without him. Not half so readily, anyway. He inspires me.
It’s also making me less inclined to deal with bullshit. or be hard on myself. I had a falling out with a fairly new friend recently – well, to be more accurate, she had a falling out with me; it came utterly out of the blue, to me – and while I was initially very hurt and bewildered, I’ve come to separate other people’s baggage and shit from my own. I know I’m a good person and a good friend, and I know what I deserve, and I feel totally prepared to let everything else go with a shrug. That’s a first. I’ve always been so quick to be angry with myself and internalize blame, etc etc. – but I am who I am. And having spent time lately with some really good, solid friends – one in particular who makes me laugh so hard, and is so encouraging and loving to me – I am realizing life is too short for anything other than the people who make us feel good, who we trust, who make our lives better and love us for who we are.
I went to the chiropractor today – I really thought as I took weight off, my body would hurt less. And that’s true, in some ways. Being lighter makes me feel less lethargic, and more nimble and agile. But I hurt just as much because I’m always sore from weight lifting or squats or lunges or sleeping funny. Some days I feel like a creakity old biddy. But the chiropractor helped soooo much. She’s amazing and so funny.
Also, my new favourite saying is “pooped my jeggings”. I didn’t, or anything, but it makes me laugh to even say it.
Life is ticking along nicely. I’ve been cooking a lot, too, enjoying healthy, flavourful and creative food that is actually good for my body. Some recent concoctions include gnocchi with onion, mushroom, garlic, spinach, sun-dried tomato, celery and tomato sauce; turkey burgers with a side salad of romaine, red cabbage, red and yellow peppers, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, fresh dill, cilantro and champagne vinaigrette with smoked sea salt; and quinoa & black bean chili with chipotle and mixed bell peppers, with zucchini.
I’m not even going to make a promise to update frequently, because….well, let’s just see what happens. But life, by and large, is beautiful, and never boring.